Scarcely had I passed by them, when I found the one I love. I held him and would not let him go. Until I had brought him to the house of my mother and and into the chamber of her who conceived me. I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or by the does of the field, do not stir up nor awaken love, until it pleases.” –Song of Solomon 3:4-5 (NKJV)
The Shulamite woman in the Book of the Song of Solomon expressed these words when seeking her lover, believed to be King Solomon. Contrary to many biblical scholars’ assertions, the Song of Solomon is not just an allegory of Christ’s love to the Church, but also a true account of the divinity of love. To that end, I am often amazed at how the church spends very little time seriously pontificating the true depths of love and its divinity. Rather, they dole out a list of ‘To Dos’ and more ‘Not To Dos’ than explaining the spirituality of love; not surprisingly, this confuses congregants more than it helps them.
Yes, love is an elusive concept but there are some definitives to it which, to my belief, do not carry any weight in this microwaved society. But the Shulamite woman understood the proper course of action when dealing with her love for Solomon. In her admonition to the Daughters of Jerusalem, she specifically told them to ‘not stir nor awaken love until it pleases.’ She valued the power of patience and preferred for it to have its’ perfect work. In other words, the Shulamite woman waited for love to manifest instead of forcing it. Meanwhile, she engaged Solomon through intimate exchanges–not hot, butt naked, freaky romps, but sensual and private encounters where each of them had the freedom to be vulnerable.
That’s the core of intimacy; it’s not just in holding hands and kissing in public or walking on beaches during the sunset. Yes, all of that is cute—and that’s more romantic than intimate. Intimacy requires the development and cultivation of a ‘no holds barred’ friendship where the both of you can express your innermost thoughts without any reservations or fear. The point is to make love to each other’s mind before one piece of clothing hits the floor; that can’t be done until one has patiently studied and learned their lover.
Mostly, in today’s culture, it works in reverse. Many of us cater to our lower self by fulfilling our ‘needs’. These ‘needs’ are a mere smokescreen that masks the true desire to love and be loved. Once the copulation is over—so is the ‘relationship’. There’s no real disclosure of intimate thoughts or sentiments of the heart.
Oh, my bad. This is the FWB (Friends with Benefits) Age where no degree of commitment or sincerity is needed. Turn on your radio or television—even browse the ‘Net, and there’s the overrated experience of sexual stimulation with ‘no strings attached’. Newsstands overflow with magazine covers highlighting the latest on sexual techniques and mechanics. Oh my, am I really attempting to cut through the darkness with some light?
Yeah, I am.
This country’s divorce rate is atrocious and when it comes to sub communities such as Black women and men, the numbers become even more depressing. Where’s the breakdown? It lies in selfish pursuits, defining love with a troubling set of terms and validating it based on the nighttime ‘oohs and aahs’. True sexual bliss is achieved through the process of love intensifying because, after all, sex is simply an expression of love.
As women, let’s own up to our part in the deterioration of intimate unions. When it comes to men, our attitudes have affected our ability to grow intimately with them. In many cases, we have stopped viewing men as whole beings, but rather as Bill Paying People with Penises. Some of us rarely ask our men about their dreams and desires—it’s almost as if we are not interested in where he’s going—we’re only concerned about where he is NOW. It is critical that our men’s hearts can safely trust in us. Interestingly enough, if he can trust his woman, she will not stand in need of anything…and the point is to get what you want, right?
I charge all of you, as my sisters, to examine yourself. What can you do to be a better lover? Even if you are unattached right now, consider your ways and learn how to befriend a man so that he’s able to trust you. Take your time and learn him so you will know how to soothe him. If this sounds like work, it is because love is about pleasing and serving.
But…it’ll be worth it. Don’t you want to be his latest, greatest inspiration?
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Sweet Something:
“I gather up each sound you left behind and stretch them on our bed. I breathe you and become high.” —Poem #3, Sonia Sanchez
Whisper that in his ear while you’re close to him.
