Mirror, Mirror On the Wall…

“Each night, without fail, she prayed for blue eyes.  Fervently, for a year she had prayed.  Although somewhat discouraged, she was not without hope.  To have something as wonderful as that happen would take a long, long time.

Thrown, in this way, into the binding conviction that only a miracle could relieve her, she would never know her beauty.  She would see only what there was to see: the eyes of other people.”

—-The Bluest Eye, Toni Morrison

“More acutely than ever before Emma Lou began to feel that her luscious black complexion was somewhat of a liability, and that her marked color variation from the other people in her environment was a decided curse.”

“She should have been a boy, then color of skin wouldn’t have mattered so much, for wasn’t her mother always saying that a black boy could get along, but that a black girl would never know anything but sorrow and disappointment?”

—-The Blacker the Berry, Wallace Thurman

“If God has bestowed beauty upon her, it will prove her greatest curse.  That which commands admiration in the white woman only hastens the degradation of the female slave.”

—-Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl, Harriet Jacobs

—————————————————————————————————————————-

Brought to you by the world Black literature, these are just a few instances of the ‘otherness’ of Black beauty.  Whether we will admit it or not, this ‘otherness’ has affected us over the course of our lives.  It has taken many of us a long time to accept our figures and faces, especially when we are constantly bombarded with images of women with so-called ‘fairer skins’ and Eurocentric features.  Within our own communities, some of us have struggled to be accepted by family or by men because our looks didn’t fit the bill.

For the sake of healing and continued self-growth, The Perfected Woman Lecture Series will address the issue of Black beauty from both a social and cultural perspective.  You’re invited to join in on this groundbreaking discussion and bring your friends and daughters along too.

For more details, visit The Perfected Woman Lecture Series page.

Chit Chat: The Idle Conversation of Women

Ring, ring.

Ring, ring.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Girl, it’s me, whatchu doing?”

“Reading.”

“Whatchu reading?”

(Pauses briefly)“Uhh, a book on African Philosophy.”

“Really?”

“Really.  (Pauses) I’m reading an essay by Kwame Nkrumah.”

“Who?”

“Kwame Nkrumah,  he was the first Prime Minister of Ghana”

“Oh.  I don’t think I’ve ever heard of him.”

“Hmmm…I’ll tell you about him one day.”

“Naw, that’s alright.  That doesn’t sound like something I would be interested in.  (Pauses) I was just calling you because me and X are going to the mall and we wanted to see if you wanna come.”

“Nahh.  I’m cool.  I can’t think of anything that I need at the mall right now.”

“Girl, you don’t go to the mall because you need something, you go because you want something.  We’re just looking around anyway.  Macy’s got a killer sale going on right now.”

“I don’t care much for Macy’s clothes.”

“Well, there’s other stores….”

“Girl, I don’t want to go to the mall.  Catch up with me when you two leave, if you don’t eat at the Food Court, maybe we can go and have a bite.”

“Ok, cool.  But don’t try to school us on that Kwame man, ok?”

(Laughs)“Ya’ll need to learn about him”.

“Yeah, but I’m not in college anymore.”

“Oh.  Ok, then.  Talk to you later.”

“Bye, girl.”

(Hangs up).

If I can count how many times I’ve had similar instances with several of my sisterfriends, I could probably earn a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records for idle conversations.  Many of my male friends have relayed to me frequently that women love to talk but we do not have anything to say sometimes.  As I think about it, I’m inclined to agree with them.  While women are deemed the Great Communicators,  we do need to check our subjects occassionally for usefulness. 

Somewhere along the course of our womanhood training, we learned that women were to talk about things that were supposedly relevant to us.  Things concerning the home, family, personal appearance, and the like fell into that category of Girl Talk.  We embraced that as proper and appeared to do very little in the way of questioning it.  But, many women stepped outside of that traditional conversational box and spoke against societal ills.  I am covering a few of them with my Cloud of Witnesses series (I’m working on the next entry–should be ready in a few days).  Black women’s clubs of the early 20th century had the appearance of being the typical ’hen meetings’ but instead, these women organized for social causes which required them to move beyond the usual discussion of drapes and recipes.  All of these women were engaging in what I like to call ‘WomanSpeak’.  Now the term WomanSpeak has been used before, but for the purposes of this post, I have decided to incorporate it as the alternative to Girl Talk.  See,  many of us engage in too much Girl Talk and not enough WomanSpeak.   

Girl Talk, in my opinion, is defined as the typical discussion about men, clothes, shoes, hair, furniture, children, and other women; not necessarily in that order.  WomanSpeak is defined as  deep, probing conversations about God, life, love, dreams, purpose, guidance and profound critical thinking about the world outside of your immediate self.   Girl Talk tends to focus on superficiality and materialism, while WomanSpeak adovocates change, both internally and externally. 

Girl Talk allows us to hide from ourselves, creating the illusion that we are emotionally stable, while WomanSpeak ruptures the dam and that emotional tidal wave finds release, followed by the restoration of healing and peace of mind.  Finally, we can have Girl Talk with any woman, but WomanSpeak requires a trusted friendship with other women.     

WomanSpeak has had a comfortable space in my life for quite some time now. I am rather limited in my conversations with other women because at an early age my interest in ‘girlie’ things only went so far. For instance, I’ve been wearing my natural hair since 2004 and I have not missed going to the hair salon in the least.  One of the most agonizing things about being at the hair salon, for me, was the 30-40 minute dryer times and the pointless conversations that I would have with the other women there.   See, I only have about 10 minutes worth of good Girl Talk and then after that, I could care less about Coach bags and shoe sales; but I do want to discuss the long term economic ramifications of the financial bailout and what that means for the Black community.  Please understand that I am, in no way, trying to be condescending about this, but at the same time, it’s important that we upgrade our conversations for the benefit of acknowledging today’s times.  We owe it to ourselves and our families to engage in productive and informed dialogue whenever we can in order to glean from each other and seek out viable strategies to overcome these turbulent times.   

I can guarantee that we can’t develop those strategies in the midst of an exchange about hair color, which reminds me, I’m seeing one too many gray strands in the ‘Fro–looks like I need a touch up. 

 

On Being A Better Lover…

Scarcely had I passed by them, when I found the one I love.  I held him and would not let him go. Until I had brought him to the house of my mother and and into the chamber of her who conceived me.  I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or by the does of the field, do not stir up nor awaken love, until it pleases.” –Song of Solomon 3:4-5  (NKJV)

The Shulamite woman in the Book of the Song of Solomon expressed these words when seeking her lover, believed to be King Solomon.   Contrary to many biblical scholars’ assertions, the Song of Solomon is not just an allegory of Christ’s love to the Church, but also a true account of the divinity of love.   To that end, I am often amazed at how the church spends very little time seriously pontificating the true depths of love and its divinity.  Rather, they dole out a list of ‘To Dos’ and more ‘Not To Dos’ than explaining the spirituality of love; not surprisingly, this confuses congregants more than it helps them.

Yes, love is an elusive concept but there are some definitives to it which, to my belief, do not carry any weight in this microwaved  society.  But the Shulamite woman  understood the proper course of action when dealing with her love for Solomon.  In her admonition to the Daughters of Jerusalem, she specifically told them to ‘not stir nor awaken love until it pleases.’ She valued the power of patience and preferred for it to have its’ perfect work.  In other words, the Shulamite woman waited for love to manifest instead of forcing it. Meanwhile, she engaged Solomon through intimate exchanges–not hot, butt naked, freaky romps, but sensual and private encounters where each of them had the freedom to be vulnerable.

That’s the core of intimacy; it’s not just in holding hands and kissing in public or walking on beaches during the sunset.  Yes, all of that is cute—and that’s more romantic than intimate.  Intimacy requires the development and cultivation of a ‘no holds barred’ friendship where the both of you can express your innermost thoughts without any reservations or fear.  The point is to make love to each other’s mind before one piece of clothing hits the floor; that can’t be done until one has patiently studied and learned their lover.

Mostly, in today’s culture, it works in reverse.  Many of us cater to our lower self by fulfilling our ‘needs’.  These ‘needs’ are a mere smokescreen that masks the true desire to love and be loved.  Once the copulation is over—so is the ‘relationship’.  There’s no real disclosure of intimate thoughts or sentiments of the heart.

Oh, my bad.  This is the FWB (Friends with Benefits) Age where no degree of commitment or sincerity is needed.  Turn on your radio or television—even browse the ‘Net, and there’s the overrated experience of sexual stimulation with ‘no strings attached’.  Newsstands overflow with magazine covers highlighting the latest on sexual techniques and mechanics.  Oh my, am I really attempting to cut through the darkness with some light?

Yeah, I am.

This country’s divorce rate is atrocious and when it comes to sub communities such as Black women and men, the numbers become even more depressing.  Where’s the breakdown?  It lies in selfish pursuits,  defining love with a troubling set of terms and validating it based on the nighttime ‘oohs and aahs’. True sexual bliss is achieved through the process of love intensifying because, after all, sex is simply an expression of love.

As women, let’s own up to our part in the deterioration of intimate unions.   When it comes to men, our attitudes have affected our ability to grow intimately with them.  In many cases, we have stopped viewing men as whole beings, but rather as Bill Paying People with Penises.  Some of us rarely ask our men about their dreams and desires—it’s almost as if we are not interested in where he’s going—we’re only concerned about where he is NOW.   It is critical that our men’s hearts can safely trust in us.  Interestingly enough, if he can trust his woman, she will not stand in need of anything…and the point is to get what you want, right?

I charge all of you, as my sisters, to examine yourself.  What can you do to be a better lover?  Even if you are unattached right now, consider your ways and learn how to befriend a man so that he’s able to trust you.  Take your time and learn him so you will know how to soothe him.  If this sounds like work, it is because love is about pleasing and serving.

But…it’ll be worth it.  Don’t you want to be his latest, greatest inspiration?

——————

Sweet Something:

“I gather up each sound you left behind and stretch them on our bed.  I breathe you and become high.”  —Poem #3, Sonia Sanchez

Whisper that in his ear while you’re close to him.

Cloud of Witnesses: Maggie Lena Walker

In the first installment of the Cloud of Witnesses series, I wanted to, in many instances, introduce some of us to Black women that may have been cast aside on the historical trail.  If they garner any mention, it’s not sufficient as most of these women accomplished feats in the face of seemingly insurmountable obstacles.  They deserve a better space to occupy during this new century and with the advent of the World Wide Web and blogging, in particular, I can formally bring you the wondrous achievements of Mrs. Maggie Lena Walker.

Born as the daughter of a washerwoman in 1867, Walker grew up in Richmond, Virginia and graduated from the Colored Normal School in 1883.  As a teacher in the city’s public schools, Walker also took courses in accounting and sales which would later prove to be vital assets in her historical contributions.  She married Armstead Walker and was required to stop teaching but used her skills in the many organizations that catered to the needs of women.

One of Walker’s most instrumental roles was as the Grand Worthy Secretary of the Independent Order of St. Luke,  founded by former slave woman, Mary Prout.  The organization was founded as a women’s sickness and death mutual benefit association; meaning it provided insurance benefits  mainly for former slave women.  In this role, Walker instituted and worked diligently on the order’s ventures: a juvenile department,  an educational fund, a department store, and a weekly newspaper.  Initially in decline prior to Walker, the order grew to 100,000 members in 2,010 councils and circles in twenty eight states.

The order was involved in every capacity necessary to ensure equality for Black Americans, and in particular, Black women.  The order’s endeavors ranged from social, economic, and political levels; complete with a women’s suffrage movement that led to an unprecedented achievement, even today.  During the 1920 elections in Richmond, black women accounted for 80% of eligible black voters.  In turn, blacks organized an independent political party called the Virginia Lily-Black Republican Party; and Walker ran for state superintendent of public instruction under the ticket in 1921.

Maggie Lena Walker is most known for being the first woman bank president. She founded the Penny Savings Bank in 1903 which was dedicated to ensuring that the ’small depositor’ was able to save money.  Many of the bank’s customers were washerwomen, like her mother, and other domestics and laborers–both male and female.  Before her death in 1934, Walker helped with the reorganization of the bank as the Consolidated Bank and Trust Company; and it is the oldest, existing Black owned and operated financial institution in the country.

Walker’s philosophy rested squarely on the need to provide black women with the same opportunities to excel economically as white women, and even men.  Of course, her active public life drew criticism from those within the black community as well as among whites.  However, Walker stood firm on her ideals of enabling Black women to be self-sufficient, whether married or single.  Black women were suffering under conditions that rendered them helpless in caring for their children.  Therefore, they deserved the ability to acquire their own means financially in an effort to better support their families as their husbands were unable, in many cases, to do so alone.

Walker believed that women should have a balance between work and family life and both were necessities in upholding a proper society.  Noted scholar, Elsa Barkley Brown, wrote,

“In her efforts Walker, like the other Saint Luke women, was guided by a clearly understood and shared perspective concerning the relationship of black women to black men, to the black community, and to the larger society.  This was a perspective that acknowledged individual powerlessness in the face of racism and sexism and that argued that black women, because of their condition and status, had a right–indeed, according to Walker, a special duty and incentive–to organize” (p. 620).

Indeed, Walker’s ideals were forward thinking in the nineteenth century and perhaps just as progressive in the 21st century.  Are Black women making a point to organize as once before?  Do we still feel as though we have a need to do so?  Walker believed that black women should be able to support themselves financially without the ‘companion of a man’ and it appears that this same sentiment is revalent some 100 or so years later.  How much have Black women advanced in their struggle?  Does it matter that Black women continue to lag behind their white women counterparts in wage earnings as well as suffer disproportionately from poverty?

It appears that Walker’s work must be extended into the 21st century as Black women, not only in this country,but the world over are continuing to be affected severely by the complexities of race and sex.  I know that when I study foremothers like Walker, I notice a sense of inadequacy as I realize that I am not doing enough.  Their courageous stories charge me to be a better woman in the world—a better sister to my fellow sisters and brothers, a better lover to black men, and better nurturer to black children.

I hope I am not the only one.

Up Next: Anna Julia Cooper

Reference:

Brown, Elsa Barkley (1989) Womanist Consciousness: Maggie Lena Walker and the Independent Order of Saint Luke  Signs (14) 3 pp. 610-633

The Perfected Woman PR Alert: Idolizing Michelle

Our new First Lady Michelle Obama is a prime example of a Perfected Woman.  I do not need to rehash all of the glorious attributes or the beautiful quarry of things that are being said about her.  Instead, this is a perfect opportunity to build a protective shield around her, just in time for the inauguration.

Before I continue, I have to reference the article that inspired this particular blogpiece.  It heralds Michelle Obama as a new role model for Black women.  Indeed.  But at the same time, I have to remind us that Michelle is an addition to the Black Women Role Model Club, not the charter member.  She, just like the rest of us, are standing on the shoulders of powerful Black women that sacrificed themselves for the betterment of a marginalized people.  It is imperative that we understand that Michelle Obama represents a core group of Black women who are socially adept and making powerful moves not only in our community, but the world.  While the mainstream media is treating this like a phenomenon, all of us, as Black women, should know better.

First Lady Michelle, as fly as she is, has a dynamic role awaiting her after January 20th.  Let’s examine it, shall we?  For starters, she is the wife of the first African American to hold the office as President of the United States.  Therefore, she has inherited all things that comes with that territory; both the good, the bad, the chartered, and the unchartered.  In addition, she has to continue to be the strength behind her husband as there will be days when the new President will stand in need of solace as the world bears down on his shoulders.  Besides the community service work that she pledges to do, she still has to be mommy to those pretty little girls, Sasha and Malia.

Can she handle it? C’mon now.  She’s a Black woman, Yes She Can!  But do we, as Black women, need to idolize her? No, we don’t.  So here, I’ll say it: First Lady Michelle Obama is not to be idolized, but she is to be supported, full fledged and wholeheartedly.  Let’s all consider her and the First Family as extended members of our family—constantly praying for them and protecting them from the vicious and persistent societal disease called Ignorance.

We, the micro community where the Obamas come from, should be the primary empathizers. First Lady Michelle and her family should be able to have a comfortable sense of normalcy when interacting with us over the next four years.  Let’s not detach ourselves from them and hoist them high on the mountaintop; that’s a vulnerable place to stand; especially when you are dealing with a people that can be as critical as Black folks.  If anything, First Lady Michelle should inspire us to become just as active as she plans to be, working in the community and tackling critical issues that not only we face but the rest of this nation.  Her motive is to be an example; not be the answer.

I believe that this would be a great time to pull out Black women from the annals of history; just to remind some of us that the excellence of Michelle Obama is actually a standard for us, not an exception.  To that end, prepare yourselves as I prepare a few blogpieces called The Cloud of Witnesses.

CK

Whatever the Decision…

(This note was initially posted on my Facebook profile.  Since it’s Election Day, I decided to publish it here for the purposes of giving the world my voice.)

Since the start of this election, I have favored Obama, even in spite of the Clinton-lovers who were under the impression that Hillary was an extension of Bill. I knew from the start that she wasn’t. Hillary had her own agenda and, while capable, I was not able to give her a high degree of trust. I picked Obama mainly because of his strategic thinking. He has always had a plan; and he knew he needed one. Unlike former candidates, he didn’t have the benefit of entitlement or the comfort of a system that has institutionalized inequality; favoring majority over all others. Yes, he’s black…but that wasn’t why he was my choice. His blackness represents something else. I’ll get into that in a moment. I live in a a city that has elected the same vision-less leader for four terms…and he’s black.

Mayor W.W. Herenton has taught me well about voting for people because they are black. What good is your blackness when you are just as poor of a leader? So, needless to say, I have been delivered from voting for people because they are black. I need to know where they STAND now. Considering that I’m somewhat of a skeptic when it comes to politics anyway, the last thing I need is some HNIC that doesn’t have one bone of progression or vision.

But that’s not the case with Obama. He has incredible vision and given all of the attacks that he’s suffered over the course of this campaign, he has definitely demonstrated that he can represent this country among the nations. That representation is more critical now than ever. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this or not, but the only people who REALLY think that America is the greatest country in the world are….Americans. There are other countries that have their beefs with us and since we all got to live on this 3rd rock from the sun together, we need to work to repair those relationships, while figuring out a way to get everybody what they want. Interestingly enough, the world has even chosen Obama. A 24-nation survey that was conducted by the BBC found that if Obama is elected, it will improve their opinion of the U.S. In a separate poll, 74 countries chose Obama over McCain.

So, that’s one major reason why Obama is a better choice. But most importantly, his campaign speaks the language of the people. His approach is to do what’s best for everyone, not a privileged few. Considering the historical heritage of Blacks in this country, we are not allowed, even if we’re rich, to be regarded as members of the privileged few (new money doesn’t count). At least, not right now, we’re not. We have until 2019, then we’ll see. To that point, I can now explain what Obama’s blackness means. It has been exactly 40 years since the death of King. At some point, we, as a people, had to know that there will be a time to move forward–and to bring the post Civil Rights era to a close. Given all of the backlash of ignorant, prejudicial remarks regarding Obama, it is safe to conclude that an Obama presidency will signal the end of any sympathy towards the struggle of Blacks. Of course, we never had much to begin with—but my point is, there will be even less tolerance for it, should he get elected. Now, that also means that our excuses will have ran its course as well. Black men are no longer able to state that they have not been able to succeed because of racism or the absence of a father. Black women will have to become more supportive of Black men and less acidic with their voices. Because we NOW know exactly how far a Black man can go with the support of a Black woman.

Are you all digging what I’m saying?

Even without the presidency, Obama signals to the Black community a mandate to operate in the spirit of excellence that is inherent in us. We couldn’t have come this far without it. At the same time, it seems as if we are in dire need of a reminder. For the most part, our children exist in a ‘formless void’ because they don’t know who in the hell they are or where they come from. Therefore, there is no way they can know where they are going. We are NOT telling our story; and furthermore, we are NOT staying true to it. Our cloud of witnesses may be shaking their heads in disdain at us. Here’s my final say: whatever the decision, we will all be alright. The Book of Jeremiah says that those of us who trust in the Lord will be like the tree planted by the rivers of water, bearing fruit even during the time of heat. As for Obama, he will be fine as well. He has been built for the nations…and to that point, I personally feel like the man is too good to be president. I think the world can benefit from his visionary leadership, not just this country.

Should he win or not, his point has been proven in so many ways. Should he win, that will mean this country has come a long way…and should he not, then it means that it has further to go, but at least it’s on its way. Should he win, it will mean to little black boys and girls that you can really can become anything you want, even president. Should he not win, it’ll still mean the same thing.Should he win or not, he’ll have his work cut out for him because his position as a chosen leader has been established (president or statesman).

Should he win or not, we will all be alright. BUT GO VOTE CAUSE I WANT HIM TO WIN!!!!!

To My Daughters: Wisdom from the First Mother (Ancestors)

Below is an original Chandra Kamaria piece.  I wrote it from the standpoint of what our foremothers from the past would say to us, their daughters, about love and purpose in life.  I hope you gain some inspiration from these words and cherish them as you move from day to day in your journey.

Drowning out your pain in shades of ill-conceived confidence, dressed in decadence with luring eyes….finding the manipulative avenues to dig deep inside the man of choice, intending on squeezing your revenge from his heart…

But, he wasn’t the one that hurt you though.  That one is long gone, continuing to tread the path of his demise. Holding the next accountable for the last is not wise, little girl. That’s suffering minus the purpose…struggle minus the objective…effort minus the accomplishment which all equals bondage, not deliverance…

To my daughters, you must come to the understanding that rain falls on the just and unjust.  Can’t exact rage on the unexpected, as you then aid in the destruction of love…which is, may I remind you, the one potion that all must drink to sustain the issues of life pouring forth through divine contract

You cannot keep your beauty hidden from them we are made for; simply because it didn’t add up to what you figure.  Your analysis of the ‘what he did’ and the ‘woulda coulda shouldas’ pales in comparison to the grand scheme of things.  Oh yes, it was supposed to be the love of a lifetime not the master disaster; ruining your view.  It was to be something so much bigger.

But, not really.  Silly woman, it just boils down to the fact that you did all the right things for the wrong one.  And while you gloat and mope about the disappointment, there is a victory in this that you have missed.  It wasn’t all about keeping him in the first place; it was about the fact that you took the risk…

Now it’s easier.  Instead of stiffening up to the point where you won’t bend, just make a better choice and get ready to do it again.  ‘Cause we’re made out of the stuff we give—that’s why it comes naturally. We are the world’s first gift for lonliness, the solution to many a man’s problems.  Even if he didn’t have a dime, when we make our offering, he then becomes wealthy…

To my daughters, don’t withhold your essence.  You have no say so in the matter.  It is your destiny to bless.  How will they know if you do not show them the glow of love?  How it sparkles, more precious than any jewel attained.  Love made you, love is you.  Love is what you do. We have mastered it—therefore, do not forsake your responsibility to reach and teach.  If them we are made for are unable to define it, then they will continue to walk blinded…

So, as I prepare to step back into eternity, I leave thee with this… Live to bless.  Live to love.  Live.  Do not withhold your essence.  Indeed, it will be a fight, but if you want to see me again, you must wash your robe in the issues of life.  I wait for you in eternity.  My daughters, again I say, live.

The War of Images Wages On: Part I—’Tude

Have any of you heard about crisis public relations? Crisis public relations is used whenever a company undergoes some kind of circumstance that results in negative publicity. The point is to ensure that the company’s reputation and image is saved among the buying public. If the troubled company does not make an effort to execute a well organized public relations campaign, the end result is a loss of profits. What’s with the analogy? I’m glad you asked that question. Let’s look at the totality of African American women as a company. The Perfected Woman Enrichment Program can be regarded as the official public relations agency for African American women. Got it? Good.

Now, for the situation.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta Cast

On last week, Bravo aired another installment of their ‘Real Housewives’ reality series. This time, they are featuring ‘housewives’ in the ‘Black Mecca’ known as Atlanta. Considering that the city boasts of more African American millionaires than most metropolitan areas, the series largely focuses on four African American women and one White woman. Three of the African American wives are involved with professional athletes; one is married to Cleveland Cavaliers’ Eric Snow, one is married to Ed Hartwell of the Atlanta Falcons and the other one is actually divorcing Bob Whitfield, an NFL player.

There’s one whose married to an ultra rich real estate investor; but she has about as much class as a cricket. Her nickname says it all, NeNe. Lastly, the one and only White woman on the show is involved with a man who wants to remain a secret, so she refers to him as ‘Big Papa’. Oh, by the way, she is a self-prescribed ‘Black woman in a White woman’s body’.

DeShaun Snow, her husband Eric, and their three sons have just moved into a 15,000 sq. ft home in a gated community. According to her, she’s always known, even as a little girl, that she was going to be ’somebody’. But after one show, we haven’t seen her do too much other than state that she’s conducting interviews for her house staff, which will be complete with an estate manager, governess, and nanny. Oh yes, she explained the purpose of the estate manager; this person acts as ‘her’ and handles all of the problems of dealing with the house staff so that she won’t have to deal with the ‘other people’.

The former wife of Bob Whitfield, Sheree, is seeking a lump sum in her divorce settlement in the sum of seven figures. Let’s see, on the series premiere, she was throwing herself a birthday party at her home, complete with valet parking and over 100 pretentious, upper echelon guests. Prior to that, she goes shopping for her party and spends over $6,000 dollars on attire, including a $3,200 bag that she supposedly owns exclusively.

So does this show sound like another battle that Black women must fight in this seemingly never-ending war of images? You bet it is. Do I, and other African American women bloggers, need to run some damage control. Indeed.

Well, here it is. In the midst of history, scores of African American women have defied the odds and accomplished tremendous feats. In addition, they have given voice to the perils of living in a country that denied a people the notion of humanity. The list is too long to name all of them, but let’s just say that Black women have come a tremendously long way.  Apparently, we have even further to go.  This show, as well as ‘Flavor of Love’ and ‘I Love NY‘ proves it.

Sapphire from Amos & Andy

For those of you who are unaware, there is a haunting stereotype that follows African American women. The image of Sapphire, brought to life by the popular radio and television series Amos and Andy, seems to still linger as the typical demeanor of a Black woman. Minister Terri McFaddin-Solomon sums it up in her book, Sapphires and other Precious Jewels:

“And without a doubt sapphire is a fitting metaphor to describe the beauty and value of women of African ancestry…but sapphire also bears a negative connotation. The stereotypical image of a loud, ill-tempered Black woman who has a love-hate relationship with men looms in stark contrast to the beauty and brilliance of the gemstone.”

Interestingly enough, the idea of success to these women as well as to the show’s producers rest on their ability to marry well, in particular, a ballplayer.  Supposedly, the show will begin to offer some insight into the women’s respective ventures.  Most of them are looking to expose some charitable foundation that they have founded but you can believe that the main emphasis will be on drama.  In actuality, the series undermines women in general, but when it focuses on Black women, we have to hold our breaths to make sure it will do us some justice.

Well, for the Real Housewives of Atlanta, it doesn’t.  While these women are individually beautiful and brilliant like a Sapphire and they are even able to afford real sapphires, the attitude or ‘tudes that have become the standard characterization of Black women is alive and well.  It’s either being reflected in the snotty, condescending demeanors of DeShawn and Sheree or it is exemplified as outright ghetto like NeNe.  Either way, it’s a mainstream television show where millions will be able to tune in and actually believe that they are getting a real glimpse at Black women with money.  Unfortunately, the perception will be the same.

“You can dress them up, but…..“

Now, I know many will say that the show is for entertainment, but let’s dig deeper.  Unless you have been existing in a vacuum, then you will know that African Americans have been the brunt of some of the cruelest jokes and image distorting realities throughout history.  Speeding ahead into the 21st century, how much longer are we to tolerate it?  For a fact, Atlanta (as well as the rest of the country) boasts of some sisters that are putting it down, making money through their own efforts and managing families with sound morals and values.  Best of all, a lot of those women are drama-free, but I guess that won’t make good prime time television, will it?

You know, I’m not done with this.  But I will stop here and reload my ammunition because the war wages on.  Meanwhile, peep the madness on an episode of MadTV, featuring Mexican American comedienne and actress Anjelah Johnson as ‘Bon Qui Qui’.

The Reason Why A Sista’s ‘Change is Strange’

Diversity Inc. published an article on their website of significant interest to me.  It was about the spending habits of Black women.  Apparently, many of us are not aware of this country’s economic plight…but at the same time, perhaps we are aware, but simply don’t care.  Black women are regarded as the emotional, impulsive shoppers. We buy to make ourselves feel better.  Considering that the Black community is primarily girded through the strength of Black women, this is a critical issue.  At what point are we going to make our dollars work for us by bulking them up with interest bearing accounts?  Yes, you can live without those shoes that’s on sale for 40% off at Macy’s.  Trust me.  All you have to do is wear some of the 250 pairs you have stashed in your closet.  I know it’s difficult; it’s almost as if they are calling your name.  But let me add this: it’s better to wear twice-worn shoes and have a place to lay your head than to be cute…and homeless.

At least, that’s the rationale I use.  See, I figure if I make a point to prioritize something, like, uhhh, my mortgage payment, I won’t have to worry about bringing home bags of stuff that really could have stayed at the store. Thankfully, I am getting better about denying impulsive buys and forcing myself to turn the stove on and actually cook instead of ordering my favorite Chicken Teriyaki dinner every other night.  Weekend nights find me at home glued to the television or reading a book rather than dining out and having drinks.

The article specifically stated that our saving habits lag behind other women.  At the same time, we’re using a lot of plastic for these purchases; that’s a dead end street.  This presents a tremendous opportunity to design specific money management initiatives for Black women. These initiatives can take into account our upbringing and our training, or lack of, when it comes to money matters.  See, at one point in time, Black women were unable to afford anything…but now that we have more education and make more money than our foremothers, we seem to think that grants us a license to be spend-a-holics. However, simply put, we cannot afford to continue to buy things that we can’t afford.  We’ve made giant strides in progress, but let’s not undo it with our extravagance.

Let me tell you why: this economy continues to bleed due to the wounded mortgage industry and this $9 billion a month tab it’s carrying for the Iraq occupation.  Let’s not forget that natural disasters such as Hurricanes Katrina, Rita, and Ike have also tapped into the US coffers…and those gas prices, don’t get me started.  We have children that are depending on us to leave something behind for them other than debt and hardships.  Let’s start taking the necessary steps towards controlling our finances better.

As a Perfected Woman, your responsibility now lies in gaining knowledge.  There are financial advisors waiting to hear from you.  Give them a call and set an appointment for a budgeting consultation.  Meanwhile, find some things that you can do without, while continuing to enjoy a quality lifestyle.

To Be Fortified, Part I

They gathered around her to perform an exorcism for the woman’s deed was haunting her….”

This best describes a scene from the movie, Beloved, based upon the novel by Pulitzer Prize winner, Toni Morrison. In a nutshell for those of you who have not had a chance to view it, the story is about a former slave woman who had escaped from the plantation of Sweet Home after being raped and brutalized by the slave owner’s sons. Their deed was a complete violation of her womanhood and humanness, hence, the need to run away.

“They took mah milk” Sethe, played by Oprah Winfrey, said as she recounted the horror to love interest, Paul D played by Danny Glover.

Once across the river to freedom and upon having her baby daughter, Denver, Sethe was reunited with her two sons and oldest daughter, who was also just an infant. For 28 days, she waited for her husband to meet her at the home of freewoman, Baby Suggs portrayed by the incomparable Beah Richards.

Her husband never made it. Instead, on the 29th day, her master, Schoolteacher came to the house of Baby Suggs, expecting to take Sethe and the children back to Sweet Home. In a bizarre and defiant move, Sethe grabbed her children, ran into a shed and attempted to murder each one. She was successful with her oldest daughter.

Over the years, the deceased daughter continued to haunt Sethe’s home and life, however she was able to withstand the taunting until one day, the child returned to Sethe in human form and of the age she would have been had she lived. Slowly, the child began her process of torture….and Sethe lost her will to live. She sat motionless, staring out at nothing, incoherent, and close to dead. Meanwhile, the child she thought had returned to her as a sign of forgiveness, wreaked havoc throughout the house.

It wasn’t until the women of the town came to the tormented home bearing crosses and Bibles, calling on the name of Jesus and singing His praises did the child disappear….

“They gathered around her to perform an exorcism for the woman’s deed was haunting her….”

This is such a dynamic example of how the past can force itself into the present, attempting to establish itself in your future. Perhaps many of us are not tormented in the same manner of Sethe, however, in this walk with Christ, we all have those things from our past that is still in need of addressing as they continue to manifest in our daily living to some extent.

Perhaps you’re a woman whose father walked out on you as a child and the haunting of that continues to occur through dysfunctional romantic connections. Maybe it’s a self-esteem issue that began as a child of dark complexion who was constantly reminded of her supposed lack of beauty. Whatever it is, if you have not confronted it, then it will continue to haunt you. Even more so, the longer this issue continues to fester, the bigger it becomes. Our attempts to justify our behavior based on the issue will be futile just as Sethe tried to justify killing her children as opposed to taking them back to the horrid conditions of Sweet Home.

Through justifying our behavior, we are setting ourselves up to exist comfortably with the pain. The issue becomes a part of us that we have come to accept—we live with it. But, living with the issue is the foundation for the haunting. Instead of confronting the issue, we muster up our personal strength and willpower to allow it to linger until we are tapped out. It is at our weakest, most vulnerable point that our ‘full grown’ issue(s) settle in to do the most damage.

So, how do we get past it? We confront it. Confrontation can be used as such a weapon against those things that cause conflict in our lives. However, we tend to avoid confrontation and just expect things to ‘go away’, but they seldom do. An attitude of avoiding confrontation is essentially the same thing as accepting and living with the issue. It’s understandable why most of us avoid confrontation—it’s generally very messy. When the primary problem is ourselves, we avoid confrontation because it’s so much easier to accept the dysfunction as part of you and to pretend that all is well.

Meanwhile, the fullness of joy that is a certified promise of God eludes us and many of us have a tendency to wonder why—because the confrontation of that thing has not occurred.

Deliverance awaits you….if only you will confront you and your issues. Let’s go back to Sethe for a moment. I mentioned earlier that the girl child was wreaking havoc in her life while she did nothing. She chose to live with the taunting as long as she could hold on to her baby girl. She was afraid of losing her child again. Does that sound like you? Would you rather live with an issue than lose a part of yourself that you have accepted? Or, would you rather discover your uniqueness in God and be free?

If you answered the latter question with a resounding ‘yes’, then you must embrace confrontation. The power of confrontation can only happen within us when we are fortified by the Word of God. Had Sethe been fortified or built up by the true Word of God, she would have been able to rebuke the ills of that child coming back to take her livelihood.

It wasn’t until the women of the town came to the tormented home bearing crosses and Bibles, calling on the name of Jesus and singing His praises did the child disappear…

The Holy Bible is more that just a collection of books recounting historical events of the people of Isreal. It is also the best self-help book ever written because it was inspired by God Himself (reference 2 Timothy 3:16). The Holy Word is to be used as a foundation to strengthen you in the power of revelation by a Mighty and Sovereign God. It is through the Word of God you will become empowered to move mountains with faith the size of a mustard seed.

Unlike Sethe, you have access to the precepts of God. There is no need to pull from the reservoir of strength within you as it will one day drain dry. Instead, tap into the fortifying and endless reservoir of the Word of God, an ancient text that was written thousands of years ago, but continues to bear revealed knowledge and light of the Lord.

This is just the beginning of the ‘To Be Fortified’ series. This artistic work, Beloved, touched on so many issues that still has root in our lives today. We will attempt to address as many of these issues as we can and furthermore seek to tear them apart for further analysis. Finally, we will determine methods of deliverance.

It is my hope that this article began the process of taking a deeper look at you. Did it? Are you afraid to share? If not, please visit our message forums and begin your discussion by clicking here.

Meanwhile, here is your pearl:
The power of confronting our issues can only happen within us when we are fortified by the Word of God.

HOMEWORK:

Read Psalm 119 in its entirety. Once you have completed the reading, in a quiet place, pray to God, Our Father for the revelation of the Psalm and its direct relation to you and your life.